A Deuce Bigalow II preview fic
"Global Manwhore Association,
Mason McDaniel speaking," I say pleasantly, taking the tea infuser
There are a few seconds of
silence and I now use this opportunity to straighten my desk blotter
"There's a slight problem," the husky male voice on the other end of the phone informs me.
"What kind of problem?" I
next inquire. I furrow my brow, trying to place the voice. Why did the
"The kind of problem where we need...some discreet services."
"Then you've come to the
right place," I pleasantly told the voice. "GMA provides its members with
The voice laughs nervously.
The laughter rang clearly into my earpiece. I grimace at the
There was another pregnant
pause. I fiddle with the wire leading to my earpiece, hoping I wouldn't
A slight cough, then the
voice informes me, "Matey, it's like this. Someone has kidnapped Deuce
"What?!" I stand up suddenly,
banging my knees on the desk and upturning my tea pot. My teacup
Fragrant, hot Darjeeling
tea spills down the side of my desk to puddle on the carpet. "Who would
"And he never showed."
"The car showed."
Now I am confused. "The car
showed but Deuce didn't?"
I take a step back. "What did the note say?"
"Pay the ransom and Deuce
comes back alive. Don't pay, don't see him again. Wait for further
"Anything else?" I ask, glancing at a clock on the wall.
"There was a lock of his hair inside the envelope. A long lock of his hair. Ripped out of his head."
I suck in my breath then
let it out. "Seeing as how it's going on 1 pm and that today is Tuesday,
"That would be very helpful. Usual rate?"
"Agreed. Meet me at Harrah's straight afterward."
The phone clicks off in my
ear and I did the same. The napkins I was using to mop up my tea were
I wonder who kidnapped Deuce
and who had phoned me. The voice is very familiar, but who? I
But for now, time is of the
essence in these matters, so I drop the day's newspaper onto the wet
A few minutes later, I am
merrily humming through London's crowded lunchtime streets on my
My name is Mason McDaniel,
if you've forgotten that small fact since your shocking discovery that
As I've explained earlier,
GMA performs any service required by its members. Mostly, the services
That, and more. GMA also
provides health and retirement benefits to its members. And in the
Legal advice on certain matters, usually pertaining to immigration, are where my skills are utilized.
GMA provides me with a rather plush, though small office, located on Berkeley Street in Mayfair, just up the street from the Mayfair Hotel. My office is tastefully furnished with a mix of modern furniture and antiques that I purchased from the Edinburgh and London auction houses.
I ride my Vespa down Berkeley
to where it intersects Piccadilly in front of the Ritz Hotel. I turn left
Where to purchase a pink
umbrella? I slow the Vespa down, and look carefully at the street
Sighing, I decide to detour
so I veer left on Air Street and head towards Soho. There, amongst the
I pass the Cafe Royal and
remember that my tea was a prelunch tea, as normally around two, I
People crowd Soho’s sidewalks,
jammed shoulder to shoulder as they move en masse towards
After crossing Wardour Street,
I ride my Vespa slowly down Old Compton Street, looking at the
"Hullo!" the vendor, a teenage
girl, says. She's about nineteen with short blond hair and icy blue
"Hullo. That pink umbrella,
please," I indicate the umbrella and reach into my pocket. The girl
"Thank you!" she tells me.
I nod, place the umbrella in a small bag on the side of the Vespa and
Some twenty minutes later,
I find a place to park my Vespa. Taking the pink umbrella, I meander
Ten to 2.
"Two hundred fifty thousand
quid and you get Deuce Bigalow back," a female voice says beside
I start. The contact was
more than punctual. I didn't even hear her walk up. I turn sideways to
Quickly, I glance at her
feet to confirm my suspicion. Sure enough, she is wearing black leather
I pause a moment. "When?" I ask.
"Edinburgh. ____. tomorrow,
2 pm. Cash in a small carryall. You may bring one other person. No
I nod and the lady gets up
and moves away. I take a small pair of field glasses out of my pocket
Far down the street, I notice
the lady captor getting into a black Rolls. I peer intently at the plate
The Rolls drives off and
I return the field glasses to my pocket, exchanging them for a pen and
I stand up. The little old
lady smiles at me and I notice that she is selling newspapers, coffee and
Finding another parking place
and locking the Vespa, I enter the casino and wander around,
A lady approaches me. "Mason
McDaniel?" she inquires. I nod and she beckons me to follow her. I
I am led to one of the private
rooms in the back. My lady escort leaves me and I open the door.
"Step in, and close the door,"
a husky male voice tells me. It is the same voice who talked with me
"Antoine!" I cry, glad to
see my old friend. I take off my coat and fold it over the back of a chair.
"What did you find out?" he asks me by way of greeting. He is nursing a whiskey.
"____. tomorrow, 2 pm. Two
hundred fifty thousand quid or Deuce is deep sixed," I bluntly tell
"We can get the cash together,"
Antoine states flatly. And he is correct. GMA maintains investment
"I do have some further information
on who kidnapped Deuce," I next tell him. Antoine looks at me,
He raises his arms, palms
up. "But it's so soon after you met the contact!" he tells me. "Not even
"It's the Modsters who kidnapped Deuce."
Antoine narrows his eyes
and growls. "The Modsters? Who are they?” he pounds his fist on the
"A loosely based gang of
cat burglars,” I calmly tell him. The fire in Antoine’s eyes dims and his
“Will they harm Deuce?” Antoine asks me, leaning to rest his elbows on the table.
“Not the Modsters. Despite
the deep six threat, they’re young, non-violent petty thieves. Mostly
"They must want something
big time if they're resorting to kidnapping," Antoine says smoothly,
"That would be lovely," I
reply. Antoine fixes me a whiskey and pushes the glass over to me. I sip.
"Such as?" Antoine asks, refilling his whiskey.
"That remains to be seen."
Upon rumination and a meeting
with other high placed members of the GMA, it was decided that
Eyebrows had been raised
at the bank when I requested two hundred fifty thousand quid in cash,
This morning, Antoine and
myself then traveled to Edinburgh by the early train, arriving in time
I suspect the Modsters chose
this subterranean location because of its meandering tunnels built a
Antoine is pacing then we
hear the sound of heels. A muffled ‘oomph!” sounds, and a harsh
I strain to see through the
murky darkness, wishing I had thought to bring night vision goggles.
“Got the cash?” the taller
woman curtly asks. As the three get closer, I see that the two women
I nod, then frown. In the
darkness, the women couldn’t see my movements. I clear my throat and
“On the floor. Kick it over.
I want to look inside it. Then I’ll let Deuce go,” the taller woman tells
I carefully place the small
carry all on the floor and kick it toward the woman. She caught it with
“Good,” she says.
“It’s all there,” Antoine
offers, his voice soft. Deuce turns his head towards the sound of Antoine’s
Snapping shut the carry all
and holding it in her right hand, the woman stands up. She nods to her
Deuce is pushed suddenly
towards Antoine and myself. Being blindfolded, he stumbles into us,
Deuce is struggling to get
free of his bonds. I manage to untie his hands and he removes his
“Antoine! Is that you?” he
peers at Antoine. “Antoine, my friend! Am I glad to see you!” I frown,
“Yes,” Antoine replies gruffly.
“It’s Antoine! I have come to your rescue! I have brought Mason as
Deuce scrambles up and I
see he is trying to hug Antoine, but Deuce keeps stumbling down.
“Did you get a photo of them?”
I now ask Antoine, hoping to distract Deuce. I help Deuce up and
“I think so,” Antoine replies.
He fumbles around in the dark and I realize he has lost his cell phone
“Deuce, are you all right?” I now ask Deuce.
“Yeah, man. Am I glad to
see you, too! But it was the weirdest experience!” Deuce tells me.
“Damn!” Antoine says. From
my pocket, I pull out a small flashlight and the subterranean room
“There it is!” Antoine says,
going to retrieve his cell phone. He fiddles with it. “Yes. I have an
“Save the photo. We might
need it later,” I say, replacing the flashlight and brushing my suit off.
“Dirty down here,” Antoine tells us and Deuce nods.
“Man, you two don’t know
what happened!” a slightly dazed (and I suspect slightly drunk, judging
Outside, the sounds of the
music festival are going on. Antoine now peers at Deuce. “Are you all
Deuce nods then wobbles on his feet. He giggles. “Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down!”
Antoine nods, understanding
about Deuce’s involuntary condition. “One good turn deserves
I am a bit grumbly because
the protection I hired has not yet shown their faces. We exit the
As we walk towards the alley,
Antoine smiles at the people. He waves his hands around. “Some
I ignore him. We reach the
alley. “You can get a bath and some dinner at the hotel,” I now tell
“It’s about time you showed
up!” And it was true, the private protection that I had arranged was a
Sean and Colin hurry towards
me. “Sorry, mate. Crowd’s a bit thick with the festival,” Colin tells
“You too?” I ask the blackhaired
Sean. Brothers they are. Behind me in the car, Antoine and Deuce
“Yeah,” Sean responds.
“Get any cash?” I say.
“Nope. Too smart for them!” Sean says.
“A Modster?” I now inquire.
“Think so, mate,” Colin tells
me. “Dressed all in black ‘e was, and ‘e ran towards a woman in a
I make a mental note of this information on the injuries to one of the Modsters.
“Trade went down all right?”
Sean asks now, eyeing Deuce and Antoine in the car. “’e looks a bit
I nod at Sean. “Simple trade. Cash for Deuce, then off into the tunnels went the women.”
“We’ll see them again if they’re Modsters, I’ve no doubt,” Colin tells me.
Seeing that my protection
was pickpocketed, I can’t fault Colin and Sean for their lateness. I slip
Glancing about to see if
they’re unobserved, the men slip their envelopes inside their shirts. I
The two men nod at me and blend into the crowds.
Back in London over dinner, Antoine, Deuce and myself were lingering over drinks.
“Ready to tell us about it?”
I ask of Deuce. For the last several hours, Deuce had been quiet. Even
He shakes his head. “There’s
not much to tell. I was blindfolded and kept blindfolded until I was let
I was curious as to the finer
details of the kidnapping but I kept my mouth shut. So I say, “Looks
Deuce nods. “That’s all they fed me. A blended variety, they told me, for the grains.”
Antoine snorts. “Whiskey
diet. Looks like it did you some good, mate!” He slaps Deuce on the back
“What? I like ice cream,” he tells us.
Ah! The weekend is here!
It’s Friday morning, and I am not expected in my GMA office. You think
Up in my Thames riverside
loft in a converted warehouse, I am having brekkie and watching the
The ever lovely Lana is standing
in the shadow of the Eye, and she informs all of England that an
I whistle through my teeth. Then my cell phone rings. Using the remote control, I mute Lana. The telly switches over to close captioning so I can follow the lovely Lana. Fearful of brain cancer, I put in my earpiece and answer the phone.
“Hullo!” As I’m at home, I don’t answer with the GMA greeting.
“It’s Antoine.” Trust the man to get right to the point. I smile.
“Top of the morning to you, Antoine! What may I do for you, mate?”
“Watch the news.”
“Already doing so, mate.” I pick a scone and spread it with jam. I take a bite.
Chewing, then swallowing the bite of scone, I reply, “Yes.”
“You are watching Lana Sinclaire
now?” Antoine repeats urgently. So that’s what this call is about.
Antoine wants an introduction to Lana Sinclaire. Aside from the other things
that GMA provides its
“Through GMA, I can arrange
for you to meet the lovely Lana,” I smoothly tell Antoine. Hell, I’d like
No? How can I be wrong? Who
wouldn’t want to meet the lovely Lana? Before I can run through a
I do as Antoine instructs
me. Fortunately my telly is a large screen telly, one which completely
“Is that what I think
it is?” I ask Antoine. The rest of my scone falls to the floor and my jaw
“Yes. A canary yellow trench
coat,” Antoine confirms what my light grey eyes are telling me. At the
“Modsters,” I say.
“They used the cash from Deuce’s kidnapping to get the equipment they needed to do the heist.”
I am in agreement. “I’m following you there, mate.”
To carry off their heist,
the Modsters would have needed some high priced equipment to get past
“Shall I come around to knock you up?” I ask Antoine.
“Meet me down at the Virgins,”
Antoine instructs me. I try to hold back a snicker. What Antoine
“Virgins it is. What say, an hour?”
“Now!” Antoine instructs.
His end of the phone clicks off and I follow his example. Leaving my
A few minutes later, I arrive
at Virgin Radio Cafe. Antoine is there, dressed in pale grey pants with
“Morning.” I decide to ask
a question which popped into my head as I was heading out the door.
Antoine shakes his head.
“I don’t think so. He’s still asleep. He was up gaming until the wee hours
I sigh in relief. “What are we going to do?”
Antoine grins hugely. He
stops pacing, spreads his arms. “My friend Mason,“ he says, “we go on a
I am perplexed. “A helicopter ride?”
Antoine nods. “I won a helicopter ride in a radio contest.”
Okaaayyy. This is news to
me. I decide it’s best to go along with Antoine’s idea. “What do you plan
He looks at me. “We look
down on London and see the canary yellow trench coats. They should
A lightbulb goes off in my
head. Yes, Antoine is correct. Today would be a good day to celebrate.